Trigger Warnings: None.
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The sky is dark outside. Filled with ominous clouds. Maybe it will rain soon. She raises her head. It’s a chance she is willing to take. She just needs to get out of here. Needs some fresh air. It doesn’t matter what she looks like. Nobody knows her here anyway. She’s all alone out here. She didn’t mind it. It was all by design. On purpose. It was all part of her plan. Her plan to put it all behind her.
Being around all those people. All those people who knew. Knew about what she had done. Knew about him. She couldn’t stand it. The looks. The eyes. Always following her. Even now. After all this time. They still followed her. So, she had to go. Had to get out of there.
But now that she was, everybody was still staring. Still looking. So many strangers. So many eyes. Like his. Like his eyes that night. Looking at her. Looking right through her. He had known the second he saw her that night. She couldn’t let him know. If he knew. Everyone would know.
Everyone.
So, she did it. Ran. Ran so far without going anywhere. She was still running. Like it would do her any good. The eyes would always follow her. They would always be there. It had all seemed so logical in the moment. Like the best thing to do. If she had known what she knew now.
Her skin was itchy now. Itchy all over. She had to get away. Away from the eyes. Away from his hands. His words. He knew. Knew what she had tried to do. And she knew it destroyed him. So, she destroyed herself instead. Took away his destruction and turned it into her own.
As she exited the small cabin, the rain started up. It was like the sky opened and poured itself unto the ground. But she had to move. She had to go somewhere. Anywhere. She walked determinedly through the forest. The water made the path dangerously slippery with mud. As she desperately tried to navigate the path lightning flashed above her head. Her breath came out in hasty clouds as she stumbled in surprise.
“Fuck, maybe this was a bad idea”, she mumbled to herself.
Further down the path, through the trees, she started to see glimpses of her silvery car. It was parked by the start of the path, right next to the road. As she neared the car, the itching of her skin seemed to pass. Her desperation seemed to evaporate.
Except. Her car wasn’t alone. Next to it was a red station wagon. She recognized the car and stopped dead in her tracks. This was impossible. He couldn’t be here. He couldn’t possibly know she was here. She needed to get to her car. She crouched into the bushes next to the path, trying to get a better look at the scene.
He wasn’t in the car. She fumbled with her car keys and when she fished them out, she made a run for it. Stumbling over roots, getting smacked in the face with branches. She made it to the car. Opened the door. Locked herself inside. As she sat in her car she started to catch her breath. When something cold ran down her spine. The backseat. Was there someone in the backseat? She steadied herself with three deep breaths. And turned to look.
Nothing.
It was blissfully empty. She breathed a sigh of relief. Put the key in the ignition and turned it. And turned it. And turned it again. It was dead. Frustration rushed through her. Beating her hands into the steering wheel. Over and over and over again.
“Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Fuck!”, she could feel tears stinging in her eyes. Now what. He was here somewhere. She had no way to get away. Except walking. Walking and hoping he or someone worse, didn’t find her. She gave the steering wheel another beating. Tried the ignition again. Still nothing. Walking it was. God dammit.
She scanned the surroundings outside the car as best as she could with the rain pouring over the windows. She couldn’t make out anything but the greenery. Bracing herself, she unlocked the car doors. And stepped outside.
The rain battered her back. The cold water felt like icy bullets against her raincoat. She looked around franticly. There was no trace of anyone, but the rain was coming down hard now, obscuring her vision. She started down the road, walking fast.
A rustling in the woods? She whipped her head around. Scanning the tree line again. She could feel her heartbeat speeding up. That patch of trees? Nothing. Behind the bush? Nothing there either. God was she hearing things now too? She started walking faster.
Behind the mountain, the last rays of the sun could be seen behind the cloud cover. The rain was coming to a drizzle and she could feel her legs starting to ache. Feel her body grow heavier. Feel the hunger start in the bottom of her stomach. But she couldn’t go back to that place now. Now that he knew where she was. Had he even been there? He couldn’t actually have been there. Could he? After he…
She stopped dead in her tracks. He was there. Right in front of her. In the middle of the road. Her breath caught in her throat. He looked just like had, that day. Just as beautiful and kind. He was coming towards her now. She had to run. If he got to her. God, what would he do, if he got to her. But her legs were rooted to the spot. Her breath was coming out faster now. Her heart in her chest. He was almost within touching distance.
“God! Just leave me alone!” her voice came from somewhere primal. Somewhere deep inside her.
He stopped coming towards her.
“There is nothing I can do to change what happened!” she was crying now. She could feel the wet of the tears on her skin. The wind was cooling the water rapidly and she shuddered. “I wish I could do it all over again! I wish it hadn’t happened the way it did!” her voice was shaking. Wobbling like a two-year-old on a bike.
He started coming towards her again. He was within touching distance now. She stumbled backwards. Slipped and fell on her ass. She yelped in pain and for a second her eyes filmed with tears. When they cleared he was right in her face. She slammed her eyes shut, hoping all of this would go away.
She flinched, when she felt a hand on her head. The touch was light and soft. And she felt a warmth wash over her.
Then she heard his voice. “I forgive you.” It was his voice. It was more airy then it had been. But it was his voice. “I forgive you.” He said again. The touch on her head disappeared. When she opened her eyes, he was nowhere to be seen. She curled in on herself and started to sob into her knees.
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